me: [googling] lose weight
google: eat healthy and exercise
me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
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me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I don’t know which is stranger: That the cat buried a mouse’s body in the yard, or that the service was attended by dozens of mice in suits.
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?