judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
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Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
what kind of cook setting is this??
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
this independent good boy don’t need no human
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk