Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
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My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
SF is the wild wild west man
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.