Judge:”Since we can’t prove who’s baby it is we will … cut the baby in half

Worm Mom 1:”Sure
Worm Mom 2 :”Ya do it.

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ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember


Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem


ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here


Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.


“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”


When buying baked goods I always ask myself, “are you prepared to eat this in the parking lot?”


Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?


Doctor: I need to draw some blood

Me *hands him a red crayon* haha

Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha


When a “Baby On Board” sticker is a little faded and beat up you know the kid is at least a year or two old now and the car is safe to ram