Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
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10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
You’ll be OK
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping