Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
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I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Breaking news:
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
iPhone X
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.