friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
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[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?