@TashyP_

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

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@AngelaEhh

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

@ClamDive

Rock, paper, scissors?

-The proctologist removing items from me

@edana_irish

Girls go to the bathroom together because that’s where we rap battle

@lifeisforkedup

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

@samttaggart

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

@Probgoblin

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

@IvoryGazelle

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT

@kumailn

Batman based his superhero off what terrified him most. If I followed the same logic my superhero would be ListeningToVoicemailsMan.

@jctwritesstuff

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*