I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
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Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Those aren’t chest pains, that’s just what being an adult feels like.
Her: is he trained?
Wife: of course!
Me[from the couch] QUIT TRYING TO SELL ME ON CRAIGSLIST
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Be Careful Driving