@TashyP_

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

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@tomipuff

I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand

@BruceForce

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

@_steamy_mac

Those aren’t chest pains, that’s just what being an adult feels like.

@TheMichaelRock

Her: is he trained?

Wife: of course!

Me[from the couch] QUIT TRYING TO SELL ME ON CRAIGSLIST

@ADHDeanASL

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

@huntigula

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

@1Happytwit

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.