Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
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I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.