Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
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It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.