Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
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I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES