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Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
*frowns in Scottish*
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore