what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
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Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one