I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
You Might Also Like
this is the greatest thing ever
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
buying dead houseplants to save time
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Life cycle of cat
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?