CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
(Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass
(Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back “sir”
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Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Apparently fat people in scooters despise being called a cripple-potamous
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
There’s three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.
Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
You can tell a lot about a person by judging them.