How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
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Note to self: always read the final line
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.