Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
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My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous