@Kyle_Lippert

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

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@FINALLEVEL

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

@kalindi_rana

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

@RaiderDrJones

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

@itshotterhere

I was gonna take a selfie, but I just checked the mirror and I still have the same face.

@TweetPotato314

clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year

me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky

@panmidwest

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

@paulablu22

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

@SkinnerSteven

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

@ruinedpicnic

[catches spider in a glass]
spider: omg are you going to drink me?
me: oh no this is just to take you outside
spider:
me:
spider: drink me

@vladchoc

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you