Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
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No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.