@TweetPotato314

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

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@QwertyJones3

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

@MooseAllain

I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.

@ScottLinnen

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

@Jenny4ashley

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

@findmydolls

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

@GingerHotDish

{During Mass}

Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?

@Turbo_Jimmy

UK: we call them films, after the traditional recording process using photographic film

USA: WE CALL THEM MOVIES BECAUSE THEM PHOTOS MOVE

@Bearslietoo

The people you lose sleep over don’t lose sleep over you. So, help out and drunk dial them at 3AM….