Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
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terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money