Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
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This is always good for a laugh.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
UK: we call them films, after the traditional recording process using photographic film
USA: WE CALL THEM MOVIES BECAUSE THEM PHOTOS MOVE
A 72 year old benjamin button, is a pedophiles dream.
The people you lose sleep over don’t lose sleep over you. So, help out and drunk dial them at 3AM….