@Shenaniglenns

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

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@mejustbeth

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

@_salt_n_lime

People on twitter are worried about how long it’s been since they’ve had sex and I can’t get over how I haven’t had a cheeseburger in 3 days.

@whatmaddness

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

@ValeeGrrl

After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I’d handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?

@rolldiggity

Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.

@SirEviscerate

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

@tanklesbian

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

@KentWGraham

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

@cepheusjackson

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.

@lenadunham

Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?