Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
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Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so