Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
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Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me