My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
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ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth… The rest was made in China.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Me: For Christmas I want a girlfriend/boyfriend Santa: Let’s be realistic lol
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don’t, because your job is dull and no one cares.