Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
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How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁