@TheAlexNevil

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

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@R_A_Dadass

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

@sarcasticmommy4

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

@SkinnerSteven

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

@soul_crazzy

In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth… The rest was made in China.

@GrandadJFreeman

Me: For Christmas I want a girlfriend/boyfriend Santa: Let’s be realistic lol

@mattZillaaaa

Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.

@TheTweetOfGod

You are free to criticize athletes. They are free to criticize you too of course, but they don’t, because your job is dull and no one cares.