Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
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*limbos away from your hug*
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
#parenting
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.