julius: hey brutus, lookin’ sharp

brutus: what knife

julius: what

brutus: what

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The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.


Sting : 🎶 Don’t stand so close to me🎶

CDC: He gets it


I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.


Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.


Donald Trump should start preparing for next season of Dancing With The Stars.


Putting a light in the refrigerator is God’s way of telling us that it’s okay to eat before going to bed.


The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u


I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.


Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.


Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*