@desukidesu

julius: hey brutus, lookin’ sharp

brutus: what knife

julius: what

brutus: what

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

@Kryzazy

Sting : 🎶 Don’t stand so close to me🎶

CDC: He gets it

@SilleVio

I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.

That said, could someone please call for help?

I got startled and am stuck in a tree.

@living_marble

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

@missmayn

Donald Trump should start preparing for next season of Dancing With The Stars.

@realHamOnWry

Putting a light in the refrigerator is God’s way of telling us that it’s okay to eat before going to bed.

@KevinFarzad

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

@Okeating

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

@FunnyBison

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

@mommajessiec

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*