me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
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Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
This is a whole mood;
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.