Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
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My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
philosophical skeletons be like
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.