casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
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I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight?
Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week.
8: I’m telling mom.