Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
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In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
WTF IS THAT!
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?