Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

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casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no


I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.

Thanks YouTube


[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in


Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!


Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably


Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?


[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]


8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight?

Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week.

8: What?

Me: Nothing.

8: I’m telling mom.