You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
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CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.