Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
You Might Also Like
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
That took me a moment.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve