@thenatewolf

*jumping on a trampoline*

What do you mean you want full custody?

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@AverageCorners

Someday, when I’m really old, I hope I can sit my grandchildren around my rocking chair and text them pearls of wisdom.

@3sunzzz

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

@CMHorrocks

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

@TheWeirdWorld

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

@VancityReynolds

I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.

@SilverKick

Chivalry died the same time you stopped being a lady, honey.

@iwearaonesie

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

@refreshingslurp

Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Me: PEW PEW PEW!
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew

@DaddyJew

[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?

@dlockw21

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”