Someday, when I’m really old, I hope I can sit my grandchildren around my rocking chair and text them pearls of wisdom.
*jumping on a trampoline*
What do you mean you want full custody?
You Might Also Like
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Chivalry died the same time you stopped being a lady, honey.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Surgeon: during the operation we will use a powerful laser to remove the tumor
Me: PEW PEW PEW!
Surgeon: Ma’am this is a very serious procedure
Me: [somberly] pew
[my gf on her death bed]
I don’t know, what do you want to eat?
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”