If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
*jumps from plane*
*grabs onto flying squirrel*
*lives to tell the tale*
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Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
In Soviet Russia, butter can’t believe it’s not you
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Such acute joke.
People are so wasteful…I found a perfectly good hair brush while sifting through my neighbor’s trash last night.
Me, pretending to make an effort when I really don’t want to do something.
Why is everyone so obsessed with the idea of love? If you’re dying to be hurt so badly, I’ve got a baseball bat for that.