@DumbConfessions

*jumps from plane*

*forgets parachute*

*grabs onto flying squirrel*

*lives to tell the tale*

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@FunnyBison

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

@impaulmccoy

Day 5 of quarantine. Alexa and I are no longer speaking to each other.

@Cryptoterra

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

@RorynotRoy

“Have you tried sleeping? Okay. And you’ve had enough burritos lately? Hmm. Well, this is puzzling.” – me as a doctor

@mlccm

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

@duplicitron

Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.

@Kyle_Lippert

[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..

@LizHackett

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

@envydatropic

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

@drhappyknuckles

Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.