Once got sent to bird prison by confused air marshals
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
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N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck.
My wife still came home.
Superstitions are stupid.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
“do you like string?”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
I’ve just realised that I’ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting