[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
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Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Air conditioning – not a fan
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”