[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

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Once got sent to bird prison by confused air marshals


ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast


I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck.

My wife still came home.

Superstitions are stupid.


Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.


[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?


Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.


[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?


I’ve just realised that I’ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.


Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.