@onion_an

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

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@donni

Once got sent to bird prison by confused air marshals

@KalvinMacleod

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

@CoopSoSarc

I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck.

My wife still came home.

Superstitions are stupid.

@MelissaJoy33

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

@ClichedOut

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

@blaha_Who

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

@ClearlyUnwell

I’ve just realised that I’ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.

@funflaps

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.