Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
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I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems