[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
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5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.