@Fred_Delicious

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

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@AtticusFinch79

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

@junejuly12

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

@theveganqueen

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

@susie_qsie

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

@SolelyB

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

@KevinFarzad

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

@xmasape

If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft