I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
[Jumps into taxi]
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
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Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
If Michaels doesn’t come strong with a “Hobby Lobby supports ISIS” campaign then they’re just not ruthless enough to survive in Big Craft
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]