*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
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This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
when the buffet is more honest than your date
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
This is hilarious….
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
mood
wtf is a larm clock?