@Marcmywords2

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

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@UncleDuke1969

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

@KolourMeKapes

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

@ArfMeasures

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

@River_Niles

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

@meganamram

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

@DrakeGatsby

THEN: Pizza

NOW: Cauliflower Pizza

THEN: Mashed Potatoes

NOW: Mashed Cauliflower

THEN: Fried Rice

NOW: Cauliflower Rice

THEN: Steak

NOW: Cauliflower Steak

THEN: Leather Jacket

NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat

THEN: A Car

NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.

@turtledumplin

Boss left his email open.
Me: *looks around, send email to district manager “i love you”

Now we wait

@zachreinert03

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.