Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
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I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
“I’m helping” 😅
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail