MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Calls in sick
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It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Apparently, you can only say “look at you! You got so big!” to children. Adults tend to get offended.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.