*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
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[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Trying
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Oops
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.