June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
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I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea