[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

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Alex: This floats your boat.

Me [buzzing in]: What is buoyancy?

Alex: I’m sorry. The answer we were looking for is, Whatever.


The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I’d tweet this while I wait for the water to boil…


Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks


Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook:

A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption “me”


Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.


god: behold, my creatio–
people: some rocks are more important than others
god: what?
people: i would literally kill for the yellow rock


Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.


Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.


Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.



“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek