[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
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women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
LOL
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.