@KeetPotato

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

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@cbdoubleu

Jeopardy]

Alex: This floats your boat.

Me [buzzing in]: What is buoyancy?

Alex: I’m sorry. The answer we were looking for is, Whatever.

@BeingDBEAST

The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I’d tweet this while I wait for the water to boil…

@jimelliott5000

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

@ssholeEric

Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook:

A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption “me”

@SamReidSays

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

@themiltron

god: behold, my creatio–
people: some rocks are more important than others
god: what?
people: i would literally kill for the yellow rock

@longwall26

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

@andlikelaura

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

@MarlonBrandNO

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek