[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
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This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.