[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
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Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Support your local cemetery
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”