For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
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Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
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Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
*sits gf down*
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Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
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Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
HR: You said: You’re “moist” welcome?
HR: You’re fine.
HR: I meant: you’re fired. Autocorrect.