Jurassic park gets weird

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The best thing about dating someone with a barbed wire tattoo is knowing that you won’t be known as their “worst regret” when you break up.


me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY


I don’t have an onlyfans because the 2 guys who said they would subscribe are low on cash right now.


My Mum said lying in bed all day accomplishes nothing.
Well look at me now, I’m saving the world!


Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.


guy joined zoom class shirtless and the tutor told him to turn his video off and so he did and it just displayed his profile pic of him shirtless at the beach


3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?


Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*