[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
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Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET