Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
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when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
🤭😂
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma