JURASSIC PARK is a movie abt how just bc something is great doesn’t mean u should bring it back and it has three sequels

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Sometimes you have to make a stand. Not there though. You’re blocking the TV.


My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?


Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.


me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me

her: you’re just being dramatic

me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably


U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.


Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic


*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them


Me: want a grilled cheese?

6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.

Me: you got it.