joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
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The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.