Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
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Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*