Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
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At least try to make it slightly believable
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Not today.. 😂
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?