*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
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Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
No. He’s not coming out to play
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.