*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
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My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Don’t we all.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.