*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
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Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
U talkin 2 me?
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.