Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
You Might Also Like
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet