Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Jurassic Park II
Jurassic Park III
Jurassic Park IIII
Jurassic Park IIIII
[this fence is taking forever]
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Interviewer: what’s your current salary?
Me: zero. That’s why I’m here. Is this your first interview?
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Me: He died of natural causes.
Cop: You pushed him off a cliff.
Me: Gravity is natural.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Day 3 of self isolation:
Alexa and I are engaged…
Siri is kinda jealous…
It’s either gonna get interesting or ugly…
Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …
Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”
Husband: …think it’s true.”
Bananas will never talk shit about you. Not because they don’t have mouths….but because they respect the choices you make.