[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
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I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.