Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
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This makes total sense…
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.