@secondofhername

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

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@pharmasean

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

@Lisa_Laughs_

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

@RodLacroix

The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.

@KeetPotato

if you walk up to a british policeman and play the benny hill music he legally has to chase you until you turn it off

@ArfMeasures

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

@TheAlexNevil

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

@Gupton68

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

@notsosupermom_

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

@Maxine12333

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.