@secondofhername

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

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@ThisOneSayz

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

@robfee

Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.

@msgwenl

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

@SteveSuckington

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

@kiel_phillips

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

@brianbowman73

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

@david8hughes

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

@withanewname

The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.

@jake_likes_naps

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin