[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
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Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Sharon, call the vet
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.